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Blame helps no one

A common theme I am seeing for my clients, is blame.

It comes in various versions of either not doing enough school or doing too much school, and blaming the current situation on your past self or on your kids.

So it could be:

I didn’t do enough.

I should have started earlier.

We are behind.

I should have held them accountable better.

I could have been more consistent.


I did too much with them.

We started too early.

I should have let them start later.

I pushed them too hard.

I should have been more relaxed.

I should have been less stressed.


They aren’t trying hard enough.

They should know this by now.

They will never figure it out.

They aren’t learning.


They are doing too much.

They should stop pushing so hard.

They shouldn’t be so stressed.

They need to do less.

So blame can come from doing more OR less, and be towards yourself OR your kids.

Those seem to conflict…Fascinating!

This is because blame doesn’t actually come from what you or your kids did in the past. It doesn't come from how much school you did or didn't accomplish. It doesn't come from what level your child is on or what level their peers are on.

It comes from what you THINK about what you or they did.

Why does this matter?

When you blame yourself or your children, you tend to feel anxious, stressed, ashamed, worried, and more NOW.

Blame doesn’t make today better.

Blame makes whatever is going on today WAY WORSE.

It helps NO ONE.

Not you, not your kids.


This is why it matters that blame comes from what we THINK.

Because we have some control over what we think.

We can be intentional and choose thoughts that do not lead to blame.

When we do this, the thoughts creating the blame will still show up.

So what do we do?

Expect them:

You are going to think that you could have done more.

You are going to think that your kids are behind.

You are going to think that they should be different.

Expect it.

Let those thoughts float by in your mind, without judging them, or keeping them.

They can just float on through like a balloon drifting on the wind.

You change the story of your past by not picking up and holding onto the thoughts that your brain is going to offer you. Just let them float by. Let them go.

Then tell yourself a new story:

You were not supposed to do anything different in the past than what you did.

Your kids were not supposed to be different then or now.

You all showed up in the way you knew how and did what you could do.

Honor that.

Try on these thoughts about yourself:

Thank you for showing up and trying.

Thank you for making a decision and moving forward.

Thank you for continuing to improve.

Thank you for caring.

Instead of blaming your past self, you can love her. This releases you from the trap that blame is. Instead of staying stuck, you can move forward.

Do the same for your kids:

Thank you for being here.

Thank you for learning and growing.

Thank you for continuing to improve.

Thank you for caring.

You are enough.

Once you change your story, ask yourself:

What do you want to do today?

Put your focus there.

That is where you have control.

That is where you can have the greatest impact.

You can make a difference.

You’ve got this!

P.S. Last week we talked about kids arguing. If you missed it, click here.


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