My brain thinks I have nothing to say today. Nothing to share with the world. No words of advice for struggling mothers.
My brain thinks I am a failure today. I am not doing enough, I am not far along enough, my kids don’t know enough, and I’m not enough.
It tells me this over and over again as I go about my day.
I think about folding the laundry, and my brain tells me “why even bother, you never do enough to keep it clean. Just let the kids dig through the laundry mountain again.”
And then I don’t fold the laundry pile.
I think about reading to my kids, and my brain tells me “you haven’t been reading enough to them. You are setting them up for failure. You’ve already failed them.”
And then I don’t even want to read any more.
I think about working on my business, and my brain tells me “you are not getting enough done. You’ll never get where you want to. You missed the boat.”
And then I don’t even want to start writing.
But today I sat down anyways.
I committed to writing my blog every week, and so I wrote what was in my head: “I have nothing to say.”
And as it turns out, that is not true.
I do have something to say:
I am not my thoughts.
I am independent of the sentences that go running through my head every second of every day.
I am Delight.
I am enough.
That thought, I have nothing to say, was a lie.
I have listened to the thoughts in my head for years, believing them, thinking they were true. But now I recognize that they are no more of a reality than the movies I watch or the books I read.
When I watch movies, I often come away analyzing them, thinking about plot failures, character flaws, and twists and turns that were unexpected.
I try to make sense of it all.
My brain will churn away, analyzing the parts that made the movie.
I’ll point out to my husband that something could never have happened in real life.
Once when I did this after a movie, he said “Delight, there were talking animals,….. NONE of it could have happened in real life.” (The detail I was worried about didn’t compare to the major flaw of talking animals.)
Just like a movie where the plot has holes and doesn’t quite make sense, my brain offers me thoughts that have holes and don’t make sense. If I just listen to them, they stop me from living the life I want to live. If I stop to really look at them, they are illogical.
Thought like “I have nothing to say” or “I am not enough” or “I am messing my kids up” hold me back. I get to choose if I believe them. Believing them holds me back. I stay small and scared, afraid to try, failing ahead of time.
Choosing to believe something different is a choice.
I do have a voice.
I do have something to say.
I am enough.
I am exactly what my kids need.
Believing these thoughts gives me great power. I move forward with action when I believe them.
That is the work that I have been doing with my life coach for 3 years now.
I have learned to love myself. I have learned to believe in myself. I have learned how to choose my thoughts with intention and purpose. I have learned to love my kids exactly where they are, not where I think they “should” be.
I have found great peace and satisfaction with my life exactly as it is.
I still have the chaos of homeschooling 6 kids. I still have a laundry mountain much of the time. I still think thoughts that hurt.
But I now recognize that it is all ok. None of it is a problem. It is just my brain on